


As beautiful as one can be

by MoonFlower_S



Category: Banana Fish (Anime & Manga)
Genre: Aged-Up Character(s), Anxiety Attacks, Blanca is a gentleman, Comfort/Angst, Love/Hate, M/M, Post-Canon, Reunions
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-03-11
Updated: 2019-03-11
Packaged: 2019-11-15 14:31:43
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,439
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18075194
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MoonFlower_S/pseuds/MoonFlower_S
Summary: “So...” He begins. “If it’s not a bad thing then what is it?”“Maybe love.”Blanca’s answer makes his heart nearly stops....Yut-lung thinks he's not beautiful, but Blanca helps him see he's just as beautiful as he is.





	As beautiful as one can be

The night was cold and dark outside. The sky full of dazzling stars and above all, was the moon. Shining bright and beautifully, illuminating whatever was under its glorious image.

The expensive clock making tic-tac sounds showed that there was less than one minute for it to strike midnight.

Yut-lung observed from his window as the seconds were passing. A glass of wine in his hand.

Moving his gaze from the moon, he looked down, where a few people still wandered in the streets. They seemed happy, even though the air was cold and it was pretty late, almost as if none of those things mattered. Even if they could get sick because of it they seemed to enjoy their freedom.

Yut-lung couldn’t imagine though, how could just walk in the streets holding hands with someone bring you happiness? He just couldn’t picture that. What was happiness like, to begin with? If there was a time when Yut-lung felt the slightest happy, he didn’t remember.

For him, those people where just being foolish. But there was also a part of him that envied them.

Why would he envy them though?

He had a big mansion, money to do whatever he wanted, servants to obey his orders and had all the comfort he needed instead of being in the cold outside.

So why? Why whenever he looked at other people, he would feel envy running through his body? That’s why he hated them. He didn’t like to feel as if he was lower than anyone and so, he covered his envy with hate.

Yut-lung would never admit it out loud, but he was envious of others. He just didn’t like to acknowledge this fact.

Since he was young all he ever heard was how he was astonishing beautiful. With his long black hair and his white pale skin, slim body, delicate features and movements, it could even be said his appearance was that of a girl.

He never minded those comments about himself, on the contrary, in many situations he used his feminine appearance to get what he wanted and persuade others, but now was different.

He couldn’t remember when exactly, but for some time now he grew to despise when others called him beautiful. After all, he knew they only wanted to use his body for the night.

And so, he began to see himself as an ugly person. Whenever he looked at one of the many mirrors he possessed, the only thing he could see was a devil. An ugly and horrible devil.

Another glance at the clock. 5 seconds now.

Shit. He had everything so how come he wasn’t truly happy?

4...

How come he was born so unlucky

3...

So ugly

2...

So... Unhappy

1...

How come he seemed like the only person in the world undeserving of love and happiness!?

...

Ah... Another year for Yut-lung has passed. He was now officially 18 years old. One year older in his long life of suffering.

Another birthday has passed and really, nothing changed. Not that Yut-lung expected it to anyway.

But it did. He just hadn’t realized it yet.

At that very moment, few minutes after midnight a figure appeared in front of the open door in his room.

Ah how could he forget that appearance so attractive to the eyes?

Brown hair, tender eyes and a strong built, very different from Yut-lung's even though the person standing seemed to have lost some weight, but still definitely handsome.

Blanca is, in Yut-lung's opinion, one beautiful person. Sure, he got the looks, but it’s not only that. He has freedom in a way Yut-lung could never have. He is gentle and treats others with calm and tenderness, that is if he’s not in a mission. His touch is warm and rather delicate for someone with big hands. And above all, he knows how to love. He loved once and can love again if only he wants to. That’s why, he’s considered a beautiful person in Yut-lung's pretty eyes. He has a beauty that not only conceals looks.

“What are you doing here?” Yut-lung says not meeting his eyes. Instead, fixing his gaze at the glass now almost empty.

“I came back” Blanca answers simple like that. Smiling as if he was gone only for two hours and not two years now.

It takes a while for Yut-lung to say something. “You still didn’t answer my question. Why?”

“I came back to my master’s side.” He says with a sigh. “The place I should never have left.”

“Took you long enough to realize that, don’t you think?”

“Sorry.”

“Do you think an apology would do? You simply left me after had sworn loyalty to me and only me, then appears years later as if nothing happened, and now wants to taint your betrayal with just a ‘sorry’. Unbelievable.” His tone was indifferent, but Blanca, even if not long, stayed by Yut-lung's side for time enough to see when he really meant when said harsh things. And this time, he didn’t mean to.

“That’s not it. Yes, I am sorry for leaving you but I didn’t come here expecting you’d forgive me.” Blanca’s voice calm as ever. _Irritating._

“Then just say what it is you want to say and get out of my mansion!”

“I simply came back to help you. I want to be by your side.”

_Liar. Liar. Liar. Liar! Stop lying to me! And stop smiling when you say those things! Your smile is irritating, it’s- it’s-! It’s beautiful you idiot! Get out!_

“I don’t need you.” He says. “I am perfectly fine on my own, I never really needed you by my side before and I definitely don’t need you now.”

Sure. Blanca knew this was a lie. Considering how Yut-lung's personality was he knew better than anyone that Yut-lung has a pride bigger than his bad temper and wouldn’t pity himself saying he wasn’t fine and needed Blanca there to comfort him. Never.

And he also knew how fragile his former master was, to the point of complete and utmost denial of his own feelings. But even knowing all this, he was still taken aback when sing told him how Yut-lung has become.

He started to lose his temper more easily, always throwing things in the air and making a tantrum out of little details. His drinking habit has become worse and he wasn’t eating properly. Also, according to Sing, Yut-lung was always seen with bruises all over himself, be it in his arms or legs and this worried him. But, of course, when asked what happened, he simply shouted at Sing and said it was none of his business. He didn’t know what to do anymore.

Still, when Blanca saw with his very own eyes, he was left speechless. Blanca knew he himself has lost weight, but that was okay. The same couldn’t be said to Yut-lung though.

He was way thinner than the last time they saw each other. The little bags under his eyes told Blanca he hadn’t been able to sleep well. He couldn’t see his skin at all due to the clothes he was wearing, but part of his wrist and ankles were showing, as well as one side of his shoulder.

Blanca analyzed well these parts and his shoulder was indeed bruised purple, and he could see red scratches on his wrists, disappearing behind his arms hidden by the stylish dark blue robes he was wearing.

_Beautiful_. Blanca thought. _Still so beautiful no matter what._

“I know you don’t want me by your side. Still, I will be here just waiting for you to call my name. After I left you, I realized that was a foolish decision of mine. I was egoist but now after thinking it through, I know I only belong to your side.”

Yut-lung let out a bitter laugh. “Hearing you say that, anybody would believe your words. Such a shame... I’m not anybody.” _So get out of here before I surrender to your ever so soft words!_

“Sing told me you rely too much on alcohol now.”

“Tsk. That brat. So what? Can’t I drink when I feel like it?”

“You can. Just don’t rely on it too much. I told you that before, remember?”

_Yeah, I remember. How can I forget anything you say._

“None of your business. I drink as much as I want to.” Is what he answers instead.

“But it’s no good for your health. You’re still so young, so beautiful, you shouldn’t-”

“Shup up!” Yut-lung interrupts him, now looking in his eyes. “How dare you! Don’t call me beautiful, pretty, or whatever! I don’t want to heart it, especially coming from someone like you!”

“But you are beautiful. That’s what I think. Can I not say it?”

“No, you can’t! I don’t give a damn about you or what you think!”

Blanca sighs. This is going to be difficult. How can he understand it?

“Today is your birthday, right?” He tries again. “I bought you something” Blanca hands over to Yut-lung a bag.

“Don’t want it.”

“But I bought it especially for you. Please, are you not even seeing it before saying you didn’t like it?”

The way Blanca said it was almost similar to a puppy asking for food. Argh!

Yut-lung sighs and gives in. He reluctantly takes the bag from Blanca’s hands and grabs what is inside. A beautiful and well sewed robe was now in Yut-lung's hands.

It was all red, with pretty detailed golden flowers in it. Just from feeling the cloth, he could guess it wasn’t cheap. Not that he cared anyways, if he wanted that he could just go and buy it one himself.

Still, that was the first time someone had remembered his birthday and gave him something. Did it mean anything though? He didn’t know. It was still strange for him.

He wasn’t sure of what he should do, so he just took the present and said it was late so he was going to sleep, and if Blanca wanted, he could stay in any of the many rooms his mansion had tonight.

That surprised Blanca.

 

\-------

 

The next morning Yut-lung woke up with the smell of food entering his room. He went to the dining room just to see Blanca putting some dishes on the table. He looked like he didn’t see Yut-lung was there until he cleared his throat, calling Blanca’s attention.

“Oh, good morning.” Blanca says with a smile.

“What is this?”

“I made you breakfast. Please eat it.”

“What if I'm not hungry?” He says moving his gaze to the table.

“Please. You look like you haven’t had a decent meal in days.”

That made Yut-lung's stomach growls. He decided to sit down and eat whatever it was that Blanca prepared for him. It wasn’t poisoned. Probably.

They both ate in silence. Yut-lung had to admit that Blanca’s food was delicious.

The rest of the day was surprisingly calm. Yut-lung spent the day reading and when he was tired of reading, he observed Blanca reading. They didn’t talk much but they were always on the same room. They had lunch together then spent the afternoon lazing out or Blanca helping Yut-lung take care of his new recent flowers in his garden, Yut-lung's new hobby. For a moment it was like he had never left.

Of course, Yut-lung got mad a few times when Blanca would say he was more beautiful than the flowers, or say that the clothes he was wearing complemented his pretty looks and that earned him a few glares. But all in all it was a peaceful day, one Yut-lung had long forgotten.

At night, Yut-lung was drinking in his room when Blanca arrived. He brought with him a little cake.

“What’s the meaning of this?”

“Well, it’s still your birthday, is it not? Let’s eat cake.”

He didn’t answer. What does the cake have anything to do with his birthday anyway? Still, he ate it with Blanca.

After that, every night Blanca would go to Yut-lung's room to drink and eat dinner with him. It was like their little ritual, and day by day, without them noticing, they soon grew found of each other.

As the days were passing, Blanca realized why Yut-lung was full of bruises. He often bruised himself in his flowers’ thorns while taking care of them, but it was not only that.

Blanca’s room was next to Yut-lung's, so he could easily hear when something happened there. Many times he heard Yut-lung screaming while having nightmares. Sometimes he would have panic attacks and stumble in something then fall, or even hurt himself unintentionally while in despair.

When Blanca suggested for him to get treated it resulted in another of Yut-lung's attacks saying he was fine and didn’t need any help.

This night wasn’t different. It had been a few minutes since Blanca left Yut-lung's bedroom and went to his own when he heard glass being broken.

He rushed to the other room just to see Yut-lung standing in front of a broken mirror.

“What happened?” He asked worried, moving to his side.

“What do you think it happened?” Yut-lung answered harshly.

“Are you hurt? Did you cut yourself, let me see?”

“No! Don’t touch me.” He moved back. “Tell me Blanca, do you think I'm pretty?”

Blanca didn’t understand the sudden question. “Uh, I do” He still responded.

“Do you? Really? Are you sure you’re not speaking just like other people? Tell me how can I be, in any sense, pretty!? People don’t compliment me unless they want something from me! Then tell me, how are you any different!?”

“Calm down-”

“I am very calm!”

“Look, your hand is bleeding, let me take care of it.”

“The hell with it! Tell me, what do you want!? You’ve been here for weeks now, nobody would stay here this long!”

“Right now the only thing I want is to treat the wound in your hand. I don’t want anything more than that.”

Yut-lung let out a laugh full of sarcasm. “Is that it? Hahaha! Is my hand so important to you? Ha! I might as well then chop it off and give it to you.”

“Please, don’t joke like that. You’re bleeding too much.”

“As if I care, what changes would it do to someone as ugly as me to bleed to death or not?”

“Don’t say that. I don’t want you to bleed to death. And you’re not ugly, you’re amazingly beautiful”

“SHUP UP!” Yut-lung threw the glass he was drinking in Blanca’s direction. Lucky the man who had perfect aim and could dodge it, otherwise it would’ve probably hit his face.

“Shup up, shup up, shup up! I told you to stop calling me beautiful! I’m tired of it! Don’t lie, I am not beautiful so stop!”

Yut-lung rushed to open one of the drawers in his dresser and took out a long and sharp scissor, then started to cut his hair not caring for the length or how it was cut. When he finished he threw the scissor away and faced Blanca again. His once long and beautiful hair was now cut uneven and a mess.

“How does it look now!? Do I still look pretty in your eyes!?” He screamed.

Blanca said nothing. Instead he approached Yut-lung in order to see the wound in his hand but instantly received a slap on his face.

“I told you to not touch me! What are you still doing here!? Get out! Get out of my room, get out of my house, get out and never come back again!”

_Get out! get out! get out! get out! get out!_

He started to push Blanca out of the room and punch him in the chest, dirtying his shirt with drips of blood.

When Blanca finally left the room, Yut-lung fell on the floor.

He continued to stay there. His hands were trembling and his eyes were watery.

He didn’t know how much time had passed. He just stood there, locked in his own dark thoughts, biting his own lips until blood started to appear.

Then suddenly he felt something warm covering him, and warm hands holding his.

He looked up to see Blanca holding his hand and treating it with a first aid kit. He also treated another wound in his face, one he didn’t realize he had, and then he cleaned the blood from his lips that were still trembling. Then, Blanca kissed the very ends of his red-rose lips, so lightly, as if it was going to break into pieces or melt with every touch.

When he was done with it, he grabbed Yut-lung and put him to bed. After covering him with the blankets he got up to leave, but Yut-lung hurriedly held the sleeves of his shirt.

“Don’t leave.” His voice cracked out. “Stay. Just until I fall asleep.”

Blanca kissed one of his hands. “I’ll be here when you wake up.”

And so Yut-lung went to sleep. When he woke up the next morning, Blanca was still there. This time he hadn’t broke his promise.

He realized his hand was still holding Blanca’s. He couldn’t help feel something ache in his chest. What a weird feeling.

Then, Blanca wakes up and looks at Yut-lung. They stay like that for a while before Blanca says ‘good morning’.

“G-Good morning.”

“Are you feeling better?”

“Yes.”

“Then, I'll go make us some breakfast.”

Yut-lung nods and let go of Blanca’s hand.

After a while he also get up from the bed and looks at himself on the now broken mirror.

His hair was a mess, his eyes were red and his right hand was wrapped in bandages. He could also see some other new bruises he had on his skin due to the last night. He covered them with his sleeves.

He hadn’t realized that Blanca was already back putting the dishes on the little table in his room.

“All done.” He said and only then, Yut-lung realized he was there and went to take a sit.

Both of them ate in silence, facing the other. After some minutes, Yut-lung put his chopsticks down and continued to face his food.

“I’m... sorry.” He said in a low voice, but enough for Blanca to hear.

“For what?” He looked at the younger man in front of him.

“For... you know, punching and throwing things at you yesterday.”

“Ah, that was nothing. Don’t worry.”

“No it’s not. I hurt you didn’t I?”

“It’s okay. It was not intentional right?”

There was silence again before Yut-lung spoke once more, voice still low.

“It’s... it’s okay if you... if you want to leave now.”

“why would I do that though?”

“Because... Because I don’t need you here pitting me. I’m not someone worth of any worries you might have, so you can just go. No need to care for me.”

“But I do. You’re now someone important to me. You’re not a monster without a heart. You’re human, and everyone deserves a chance to change and be happy.”

“But... what if I don’t change? I’m incapable of loving...”

“No you’re not. I am sure you can change, if only you desire to. If not, I wouldn’t be here, would I?”

“I guess... I want to change.”

“See? Then I'll be helping you.” Yut-lung looks in his eyes and Blanca smiles as if he was a kid who just got free candy.

Later, Blanca helps Yut-lung fix his hair. He cuts it a little longer than his jaw line and Yut-lung thanks him, saying he liked it. That makes Blanca’s heart jump a bit, being thanked by Yut-lung was a huge progress.

And so, they start from the beginning all over again, like babies learning how to walk. One step at the time.

At night, Blanca takes Yut-lung to go market shopping in the streets. At first, Yut-lung still found the idea strange to him. He never thought he would go to a street-market but here he is!

And to his own surprise he finds it very funny.

He looks at everything with bright eyes and curiosity, really just like a child. Blanca finds it cute. Yut-lung never really went shopping so this was a first for him.

Another few days passed by and things were progressing way better than Blanca expected. Yut-lung seemed to open more to him and be more comfortable around him. Not to mention the differences in his appearance, that also changed.

He started to smile, just a little, when Blanca told him something that made him laugh. His eyes seemed brighter and wasn’t so skinny as before, since now he ate every meal with Blanca and he was always making sure Yut-lung ate properly. The change of his hairstyle was also something that made his appearance change. Now with his hair short he looked even more pretty and Blanca could see his face better, although most of the times he would wear something to cover his family’s tattoo on his neck.

 

\-------

 

The night was cold and dark outside. Stars shining alongside the beautiful and big moon in the dark sky.

Yut-lung fixed his gaze at nothing in particular outside the open window, a cold breeze making his now short hair dance. When he hears a knock on his door, he doesn’t need to ask who it is before telling him to enter.

A few steps and a handsome man is next to him, covering his body that seems to shine even brighter under the moonlight, with one of his robes.

“Be careful not to get sick.” Blanca says.

“Thank you.” After a whole lifetime and just now Yut-lung was learning to say thanks, but well, it was better than nothing.

“Aren’t they happy?” He asked, not really expecting an answer.

“Who?” Blanca asked back with such a calming tone that could put Yut-lung to sleep right there, with his head in Blanca’s arm.

“The people out there.” He said and Blanca followed his gaze.

There were a few people walking on the streets, all with thick jackets protecting them from the cold.

“I don’t know. Why do you think so?”

“Because they are beautiful.”

“I’m sorry but I don’t seem to understand.” Blanca asked confused.

“Of course you don’t. You are also beautiful. How could you understand what I say.”

Blanca didn’t say anything for a while, then “What is it that makes me different than you?”

“You are beautiful. Beautiful in a way I could never be. Just like those people, you are free, not bound by your past. You can love others and receive equal love. But me? I’m not able to do these things, and don’t believe I ever will. For a long time I hated everyone and everything, but because I was jealous of them. I was envious, after all they had something I don’t...”

“And because of that they all live beautiful and happy lives” Blanca completed the sentence and Yut-lung just answered him back.

“Yes, that’s it.”

“Ah but even so, you’re not so different from them.” Yut-lung looked at Blanca in confusion and that made him smile. “You feel hatred, they also do. You feel envy, they also do. All feelings you experience, they also do as well as I do.” A pause. He continued to look at the window. “As for your freedom... you have it as well. You were born with this right after all.”

“But still...” Yut-lung tried to speak but Blanca cut him.

“Still... you changed. I can see that you did. Maybe you still have a long way to go but you’re not alone. Not anymore. I told you, I’ll be by your side. For as long as you want me to.”

“Then... can I want you to be by my side forever?” Yut-lung asked, still insecure and Blanca turned to look at him.

“I... I don’t know how to say it but... it doesn’t bother me when we are together.” Yut-lung continued. “Actually, I catch myself thinking if one day, when I wake up in the morning, you won’t be there to give me good morning. And just the thought of you leaving me is... somehow it makes me sad and something aches in my chest. What is it? If it makes me sad then it must be something bad, right?”

Upon hearing that Blanca couldn’t contain himself and started to laugh. Yut-lung now had a worried look in his face. _Was it something I said wrong?_

Yut-lung observed the man by his side stop laughing. It only lasted a few seconds, but for him it lasted an eternity.

“What... why are you laughing...”

“I’m sorry” Blanca said smiling happily at him. “It’s just... cute.”

Cute? He says that and Yut-lung can’t understand. What in the world was cute!?

“You’re important to me too. And just for you to know, whenever I think of you not wanting me by your side ever again makes me feel the same.”

“T-Then is it my fault-”

“But don’t worry. It’s not a bad thing.” Blanca explains. “Rather than being something bad, it’s something good. It shows that you have changed.”

Yut-lung thought about it. Did he really change?

“So...” He begins. “If it’s not a bad thing then what is it?”

“Maybe love.”

Blanca’s answer makes his heart nearly stops. _Love!? How!? When!? Why!?_

“You-” Yut-lung tries to say something but Blanca starts to laugh again. “Stop laughing!” He tries to say but feels a strange burn in his face.

Damn. How could this man appear and make him feel so many strange and weird feelings he never had before?

“It’s okay. We can take it slowly.” Blanca laughed a little more. When he stopped, he took something out of his pockets and gave it to Yut-lung. “For you.”

“But, it’s not my birthday”

“It doesn’t matter. I don’t need a date to give presents to my special someone”

Yut-lung carefully took the little object from his hands. It was a hair pin. A beautiful one.

It had the shape of the moon and three stars followed it.

“Did you like it?”

“Yes! Very much! Thank you!” Yut-lungs says with enthusiasm he never had. He gives the hair ornament to Blanca and the older one puts it in his hair by the side.

“How do I look?” Yut-lung asks looking directly in Blanca’s dark eyes.

_Love, huh?_

“Beautiful as ever.” Blanca responds with a smile, oh, so tender.

_Doesn’t seem like a bad idea._

And for the first time, Yut-lung believes he can be just as beautiful as everybody else.

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading!  
> Please leave kudos if you liked and feel free to leave any comments!


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